What do people really find at the end of their searches? There are as many answers to that question as there are adoptees and birthparents who have sought and found each other. The range of outcomes is enlightening. Even if you try to prepare yourself for a reunion, it will be difficult to anticipate everything.


For example, an eighteen-year-old located her birthmother and learned that all those she is genetically related to – mother, father, and siblings – are alcoholics and drug addicts.


Another adoptee found out that her birthmother and birthfather had had a twenty-year love affair. The father was married. The mother was not. The adoptee learned that her birthmother had become pregnant and, shortly after the birth placed her for adoption. Not an unusual story, but it didn’t end there. She dug deeper and learned that she was not the only child born to this couple. She uncovered that she was of eleven children her birthmother had borne this married man. All of these children were put up for adoption.


People experience happy endings. Yet even positive stories carry hidden consequences that people didn’t anticipate. I consider that my own reunion was very positive. But I was completely unprepared for the feelings I would encounter that were a natural part of the process.


In advance, I tried to picture all the possible scenarios. I was prepared for rejection—or worse, that the people I sought might be dead. I considered all the possibilities. But when my search ended, and I had this wonderful family and a thrilling reunion, I found myself overwhelmed. I had never considered being totally accepted. Wanted. Needed. I could not have anticipated how this would make me feel. It surprised many people, including me, that being needed and wanted in this instance didn’t feel good. If felt wrong. I felt confused.


Strong emotions flooded me: guilt, anger, repulsion, fear. The early months following our reunion were a very confusing time for everyone involved. I learned there is a significant difference between searching and finding—wanting and having. The early stages of reunion are a rather awesome experience. It is in some ways traumatic. Time is needed to adjust. To absorb. To establish new relationships.


Is it possible to prepare for a reunion? Yes, to a certain extent. One of the best ways to prepare is to continually ask yourself a number of questions. Keep a journal. Asking questions and recording your thoughts can help you achieve self-awareness, and give you a focus while you spin in an emotional whirlwind.


What kinds of questions? Ask, “What is it you want to find?’ “What are your fantasies?” “What are your fears?” These are not simple questions to answer. What you consciously think you want to find may be quite different from what you subconsciously hope to find.


One thing is certain. What a birthmother desires to find will probably be different from what an adoptee wants to find. Those differing needs and dreams are why the awkward emotions surface. There’s also a language barrier and culture difference that might exist.


A birthmother consciously remembers the child she lost. She may never have seen her baby’s face, but she remembers carrying that baby for nine months. She is connected to that infant in a way stronger than any social worker could imagine. One birthmother spoke for the vast majority of birthmothers when she said, “I never mentioned my child for over twenty years to anyone…I never forgot her and never will. She is just as special in my heart now as she was the day she was born. The elder people on my Vietnamese class would continuously repeat to me that “a Vietnamese mother never forgets their baby”. It is true. Vietnamese mothers love children. They loved us so much that they wanted us to have a better life. Take my word for it, birthparents never forget!


What do adoptees want from a reunion? Most adoptees I’ve encountered say that they searched because they felt incomplete. They wanted to meet their birthparents. They were curious about them. What did they look like? What were they like? Who were the people they were related to?


They are seeking the truth. Knowledge. The basic foundation of their identity is built upon a lack of information. The incomplete history makes many adoptees feel like they are lost or almost as if they are stray dogs without a home. Discovering information is often the core of the search and helps to build a strong sense of self.


Are adoptees also looking for acceptance? Validation? Probably. Are they looking for love? Maybe—or maybe not. Feeling of being disloyal to their adoptive parents and family can make this less likely. Ambivalence is a more common emotion for adoptees to feel toward their adoptive parents? If they’ve had a strong relationship with their adoptive parents, probably not. The compulsion to search usually says little about the adoptees' satisfaction or dissatisfaction with the adoptive family. Classically, the searcher is looking for a relation, not a relationship; he already has a mother and father. What do you want to have happen? Adoptees and birthparents can have very different answers to that question. How much do you know about the birthparent experience if you’re an adoptee? How much do you understand of what adoptees go through in a reunion if you’re a birthparent? What are the adoptive parents going to feel? How much can everyone empathize with each other?


Try to stand in the shoes of the people you seek is perhaps the single most important task in preparing for a reunion. There are two simple ways to accomplish this: read and listen. Read as much as you can about what others have to say about their reunions.